Troubled Relationships

 

Try to recall the last relationship or marital argument you had with your partner that took place in your home. Chances are that your toxic argument ensued in the very room in your house that, for most relationships, represents intimacy and closeness-the Master Bedroom. It’s hard to say why we retreat to this particular room when we engage in head-to-head combat, and, although it seems rather trivial, moving to another room in your home could actually improve your marriage.

Now, it’s important point out that fighting within your marriage, in and of itself, is not always a bad thing. In fact, it can be a positive approach (yes, I did say “positive approach”) to getting at the root of a problem or issue. Why? Because fighting, if you approach each other in an emotionally intelligent way (and, yes, there actually ‘is’ an intelligent way to fight) can be a motivator for solving problems and releasing the ‘toxic air’ that can insidiously poison your relationship. Remember: Silence in relationships can sometimes be as toxic, if not more toxic, than the issues themselves.

So, for clarity, the issue is not actual fighting right now. The issue is realizing how often your shouting matches actually start and finish in the bedroom. Fighting and intimacy in this special room are like oil and water–they don’t mix at all. If you really take the time to watch how often arguments between you and your spouse occur in the master bedroom, you’ll probably be amazed. You’ll also be motivated to change it because you will begin to view this as a negative behavior. You realize that you can actually start to empower your marriage if you both work together to create a new positive habit in your marriage. Believe it or not, this simple step is actually a huge first step toward getting relationship help and injecting positive change into your marriage.

So, a basic rule of thumb to remember is this:

There’s No Room For Marital War In Your Master Bedroom

Start now to THROW OUT THE “TnT”: ‘TRIVIAL-N-TURBULENT’

Both are toxic, have the ability to destroy your marriage, and they certainly don’t belong in your master bedroom. Try these relationship advice tips:

A. If you feel that the time you and your spouse spend together in the master bedroom has become more ‘trivial’ and lacking enjoyment and romance, it’s time for you to re-assess the quality of time you and your partner spend in the bedroom. Ask yourself: “What do I/we actually do when spending time together in your bedroom? Do you spend much of your time folding laundry and watching TV? If so, that’s a double dose of time spent doing ‘chores’ that can be finished in other areas of your home. Perhaps you can fold the laundry in the laundry room or the family room (even get the family or your partner to help you fold it while you’re there!). And, what about the issue of watching television in the bedroom? My next statement (or ‘challenge’ rather) might seem to be a difficult consideration at first, but hear me out on this. What would it take for you to consider either taking the television out altogether, or keeping the television with only a DVD player and no cable accessibility? Think about this now before you answer. Consider that doing so allows you to structure the time you spend together engrossed in a show because that ’show’ can now only be a movie that you agree upon and enjoy together for a determined amount of time. Television shows include a myriad of commercials set up to mesmerize you in 30 to 60 second increments. It’s no secret that they are designed to keep your head spinning and your mind overloaded with information. The reality is: Television can nearly ‘rattle your brain’ and leave you in the ‘eyes wide shut mode’ as I like to call it. In essence, you ‘tune in’ the rest of the world while at the same time ‘tuning out’ your partner. It’s as simple and basic as that. And we all know how it feels to be ‘tuned out.’

B. If you feel that the time you and your spouse spend together in the master bedroom has become more ‘turbulent’ and lacking enjoyment and romance, it’s time for you to realize that “Arguments are NOT meant for the bedroom, period!” Consider taking your argument to a separate area of the house and let the stench of it follow you! It’s time to start clearing out the ‘toxic fumes’ from all past fights that occurred in your master bedroom. Moving to another room might take a mere ten seconds, but it’s a better prospect than finishing the shouting match in your room. Actually, ten seconds is enough time for you to take a few deep breaths and consciously think about an emotionally intelligent way to approach your conflict AND your partner. Whatever you do, realize that you need to establish a new space in your home that provides you with a ’safe marital zone’ for fighting. A safe marital zone is a place where you both agree to retreat to when you must hash through arguments, disagreements, fights and disputes. The intimacy that exists within your marriage, if valued and nurtured, has more of a thriving chance if you and your spouse avoid using the very same room that is meant for meaningful expressions of love as a war room where you exchange unhealthy demonstrations of all-out war. Create a space if you can’t find one, a space that is anywhere but your master bedroom. Once again, I encourage you to make sure it is a mutually agreed upon space. If you agree on it together, and actually do this prior to the next potential ‘volcanic eruption’ that occurs between you, then you are already another step ahead of yourself in that you know where to go to feel safe enough to work through your argument or disagreement.

If these seem like trivial and even tedious changes to you now, remind yourself of this:

1. Your marriage needs an injection of positivity! The old marriage skills and tactics are not working for you now, so consider these as new tactics and skills that can revive your relationship.

2. More often than not, change that lasts happens in incremental baby steps. This is important to remind yourself if you and/or your spouse is the type of person that tends to make giant ‘leaps’ toward change. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to slow down and actually enjoy the journey that goes hand-in-hand with the change process.



By: Lucy Beal, M.S., N.C.C.

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